So yesterday I was pretty bummed about my whole life.  How do I take control without taking control?  Trying to control my life always gets me into trouble but yet when I try to “go with the flow” I end up feeling like I need to be “doing” something.  Surely, there is a happy balance there somewhere but I’m having trouble getting the balance.  But then I think that is the point, no?  Balance in all things instead of rigidity and control always seems to move me toward rigidity.
This morning I read:

“It’s never too late to be
what you might have been.”
- George Eliot

Such an inspirational thought!  no?  I just ordered — via Kindle– Excuses Be Gone and When Everything Changes, Change Everything.  I am going to do this!! — my life that is –!    Have had some set backs last couple of days due to discouragement returning me into the land of self-sabotage but I am keeping on going.  All part of the journey.

The eating problem needs to be solved.  Why do I have such trouble with something that should just be a “normal” part of life?  As normal as breathing, no?  Insight has been partly revealed to me through a meditation this past week.  I am at war with food.  I am angry at food and feel the need to dominate and control food.  My mother – seen her around lately? – used food as a punishment or as a reward.  Food was never about the simple nourishment.  It was always about whether I had been good or whether I had been bad.  I was never fed in order that I might live so I learned that feeding was all about earning the right to live.  Imagine internalizing every day the message that if you are good enough, you will be allowed to eat and thus be allowed to live.

No wonder food is a battleground.  No wonder food makes me angry or food makes me happy.  It is a small wonder that I am even alive at all considering the brutality of my childhood because – as you know – there was much more going on that sent that same message over and over.  The message was clear – I wish you had never been born.  But that message – internalized by me – was my mother’s issue.  If, as some say, we decide who are parents will be and decide our purpose before ever coming here, then I must have decided to give myself a doozie of a challenge to overcome.  And if that is true, then I must be able to overcome it.  And if that is true, there must be a purpose for me to do so.  And that purpose must be for me to show and shine the glory of God.  And so, I better get busy overcoming and shining!