reagan

Although I like to say Good Morning, God when I pray to You with my fingers, actually, this morning doesn’t feel so good – yet.  I am praying I will feel and think better after our chat. You see – and I know You do – the last couple of days have been a struggle.  This morning I am wondering what to write – the muse seems to be sleeping late.  Then again, when I think of this as writing instead of prayer, I am off track already.  On those days when I feel great, prayer comes easily.  It is on the “bad” days, the disoriented days, and the days of depression that come without warning for no apparent reason that I struggle with words because the truth is I want to avoid looking at the not-so-happy parts of myself.  Truth is I want it all to be easy, and I want everything to feel good.

As You know, I have company this week.  Lincoln, Reagan, Cuddles and Fuzzy (the menagerie previously noted yesterday).  For the past several months I have been telling everyone how much I want a dog.  This is a good time to say that oft quoted phrase, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Not that I don’t love my daughter’s Shi Tzu doggies, but I’m used to occasional visits filled with doggie kisses and naps in my lap while April tells me about how much grief these “kids” cause for her.  I usually smile regally and stay above it all.

In one day, the menagerie has given me a huge reality check, and it’s not pretty.  If the truth is that our reality mirrors what is at play inside of us, then I’ve got a whole lot of crap going on!  Poor Reagan (the six month old pup) came down with a bad case of abandonment.  He’s never been away from home or Momma April before and, boy oh boy has he been expressing his anxiety and fear all over my house.  When he is not busy making a smelly mess, he is demanding that I throw his ball and barks at me non-stop until I do.

img_0453Lincoln, the little Prince, tends to keep everything inside, and has stopped eating (unless I hand feed him) and tries to get in my lap 24/7.  He watches me chase his brother around trying to get him out the door before the next accident with big, sad eyes that seem to say, “I feel your pain,” but I think he is really just sad that he is not sitting in my lap.  Cuddles and Fuzzy – two litter-trained, lop-eared bunnies – are lounging in their cage in my closet and at least they are under control – so I think until I feel the crunch of bunny pellets under my feet.

Well, God, it just all makes me wonder about us human beings.  I am trying to imagine all the “acting out” going on all over the world just because one of us (actually lots of us), feel abandoned and forsaken by those we love.  I am wondering about the fear that drives us.  It may sound trite, but I think that old Beatles song really does apply, “All you need is Love.”  When my mind finally understood that Reagan is not crapping on my life, but that he is hurting and fearful because he feels lost and abandoned, my heart opened and I felt compassion (and stopped yelling).  Feeling compassion allowed me to give sympathy and support to the little guy and, he is calming down.  Not totally ok yet but he is starting to feel that he just might be ok until his Mom comes back.

Now, I am kinda feeling sorry for You, God.  You have a whole world full of people crapping all over the place.  Even the best of us crap sometime.  I know You love us, good times and bad but, how do You muster up so much Love??  That’s a lot of Love!!!

Oh, ok.  I get it.  That’s why You are God, and I am not.