PrayingWithMyFingers

Dear God,

I don’t really feel like talking this morning.  Not sure where I am.  I am in a nowhere place.  Maybe like the Beatles’ Nowhere man?  “He’s a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody, doesn’t have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to, isn’t he a bit like you and me?”  Gads!  Maybe I’m not quite that pessimistic!!  You’re right…….when have I ever not had a point of view???!

Last night was an open OA meeting.  That just means we didn’t read from the Step book and, the meeting was open for a topic of choice.  Turned out we talked about beginning in the OA program.  I think this was the first time I have really admitted that I truly have an eating problem.  That seems rather crazy since I was in treatment for bulimiarexia  in 1988.  Talk about denial!

It was really difficult to talk about not being able to simply feed myself in a “normal” way.  After all, eating is a normal function – or should be.  Rather like breathing.  It is necessary for survival but, for me, eating has become destructive to me and, a threat to my survival.  That perhaps sounds dramatic to someone without a compulsive eating problem but, it was good to be in a roomful of people who understood what I have dealt with my whole life in relation to food.

I remember my first diet – I was about ten years old and, although I was not fat, my mother told me I was fat.  Thus began a lifelong distortion of my body image and total confusion around food.  My “diet” consisted of counting the number of food items I would eat daily.  I decided on seven items because there are seven days in a week. Then I became confused about whether I should count a sandwich as one item or as three (two slices of bread and the meat of the sandwich).  Or maybe four if I had mayonnaise?? It only went downhill from there.

Admitting this problem is more difficult as a person who has been slim most of my life.  The extra weight really came with the arrival of menopause.  Menopause, empty next syndrome and the death of the man in my life became the excuse to lose control and eat.  Eating provided comfort from the pain of change in my life.  Now I have to deal with the pain of beginning again to recover from the final addiction (please God!) in my life.

One thing I know for sure (as Oprah likes to say).  You must have big plans for me God because why would You continue to heal and transform me without a higher plan and purpose.  I believe it is simple.  It is always for Your Glory and to help others.  However You want to use me, I say Yes.  Thy will be done.

Now I am glad we have had this little chat.  I am still feeling like a Beatles’ song but now it is, “I wanna hold your hand.” – cause, “when I touch You, I feel happy inside.”  I really DO want to hold Your hand!

Who will offer the dance of their own life, as a creation of devotion and beauty?  Only those who have come through the darkness and walk now in the Light can offer their lives in service……………
Psalms for Praying by Nan C. Merrill

photo by blinked at flickr.com