PrayingWithMyFingers

Dear God,

Restless, irritable, discontented.  I first heard about being restless, irritable and discontented in the Doctor’s Opinion in AA’s Big Book:  “They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity.”  Being restless, irritable, and discontented now are signs that I may be close to or in a danger zone and potentially susceptible to wanting to use something to change my mood.

I’m not all three this morning but, I am sensing some restlessness.  I am not sure why.  Perhaps life has become too peaceful for my normally high-amp personality.  Perhaps I am missing the drama.  When this happens, I remind myself that this too shall pass.  Soon enough, work will be back into high gear and, I will face the challenge of taking care of myself in an environment that is traditionally toxic for me and my self-care.  Soon enough, life will give me something to handle.  I am blessed with summers that allow me to recoup and recharge myself.

Last night – Step Nine:  “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.”  It has been a very long time since I have looked at this Step because it has been years since I made my list and did the major amends in my life – my mother, my daughter (a living amends), my siblings (at least the door has been opened), my ex-husbands.  Today, I am wondering if there is a need for a new list.  My neglect of Step Ten (continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it), suggests that I may need to consider where I have been mistreating others in recent years.

Of course, I want to immediately defend myself and say I have been doing fine, thank you very much but, I can immediately think of some people from my work environment that I likely owe an amends or two.  Yuck.  I hate it when that happens.  Step Nine tells me that I must set right my wrongs and demonstrate good will – “confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.”

Why does this feel like a bad thing……..why must I humiliate myself by admitting that I’ve been a jerk upon occasion?  This kind of resistance is surely my big fat ego not wanting to be downsized!  I just don’t want to accept that I can be so self-centered, unkind, thoughtless and arrogant.  But I can and I often am, especially in Tallahassee.  I justify this behavior by attributing my faults to the pressures of the job.  Ha!  I am, as the Big Book says, “An alcoholic is an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.”– page 449.

So God, I must rely on You.  And, Fr. Thomas Keating says I can – that You can give me the gift of piety:  “The Gift of Piety mellows the sense of reverence for God and over-strictness with ourselves.  It inspires a great spirit of kindness and understanding toward others, meekness in bearing their faults, willingness to forgive, and genuine affection for them…….It sees people as companions on the journey rather than competitors.”

photo:  by Terriyakisays @ flickr.com