brownie2Dear God,

I think I am finally hitting bottom with my food addiction/compulsion.  I know this because I recognize all the signs and symptoms from hitting bottom over 20 years ago with alcoholism.  The signs and symptoms include feelings of powerlessness, anger, grief, fear, confusion and being overwhelmed.  Now, just like 20 years ago, it seems as though things are getting worse rather than better.

After having a decadently rich brownie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream Thursday evening at Euphemia Hayes’ restaurant, I had an extreme sugar crash Friday afternoon.  Although I didn’t overeat on Thursday, allowing the sugar created the problem.  And, I allowed the sugar because I was practicing self-will and denial.  Being determined that I can eat whatever I want as long as I don’t overeat is proving to be simply wrong.  I have to take a serious look at the effects of sugar on my moods and, potentially realize that sugar is an addictive substance for me – eating a small amount doesn’t appear to make it safe for me to consume it.

At the OA meeting last night, I ranted and raved about how unfair this is that I should be in the position of being a “beginner” again.  After all, I did this dealing with addiction 20 years ago.  Why am I back at square one???!  I am angry because I can no longer be in denial about this problem.  It was so clear to me yesterday after the sugar from the night before was all gone and all I was left with was the feeling of needing something.  No clarity at all as to what I needed then came the automatic response of wanting to eat to kill the angst, the anxiety, the uncomfortability of just being in my own skin.

Leo Tolstoy said,  “Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold.”  It feels like that for me.  As I pray for transformation, it can get ugly.  Everything that is not true, not of You, God, must be removed or transformed into the me that You envisioned at the time You created me.  This could have been a whole lot easier if You had just left out those addiction genes!!

“Every positive change - every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness - involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.” —Dan Millman

“Be grateful for whoever (or whatever?) comes, because each
guest has been sent as a guide from beyond” –Rumi

photo by: by veganheathen