van_gogh_old_towerDear God,

I am not in the mood to talk this morning which is evident from my late arrival at the computer to do said talk.  Really don’t know why this is true.  But the morning may have given me some help in understanding today’s and other recent days of my low-grade feelings of being down.

Therapy appointment at 9am.  Therapist suggests I have dysthymia disorder.  The Greek word dysthymia means “bad state of mind” or “ill humor.” It usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer. Symptoms include: poor appetite or overeating; insomnia or excessive sleep; low energy or fatigue; low self-esteem; poor concentration or indecisiveness; and hopelessness.  I would prefer to say that that’s not me but — it seems to fit me lately to a tee.

I can’t remember for certain the first time I was on anti-depressants but I think it was in 1989 right after I stopped drinking alcohol.  I was experiencing anxiety attacks with somewhat severe symptoms and was prescribed Zoloft first – horror or horrors – then Prozac.  Prozac made the noise in my head stop and I was the first time I ever knew there was a way for the mind to be other than how my mind always was.  It was always noisy but Prozac made the noise stop and I felt peaceful.  It was pretty amazing actually.

Less than a year later, I decided to stop taking it in order to pursue an unmedicated course of mind control – therapy.  It wasn’t until menopause and my refusal of HRT that I started using anti-depressants again…….and going off of them again as soon as I felt better.  I went off of them again in May and now here I am – almost August – finding myself having to decide again about whether to use them or not.

My therapist suggested if I were on insulin I wouldn’t just arbitrarily quit.  And, I suppose that is true.  If I think in terms of what I need medically for quality of life, I can see why I need to be on the medication.  After all, I come by my serotonin problem naturally.  Mental health and addiction problems run in the family.  The brain is a physical organ with electrical impulses and chemicals.  I am not persuaded that all mental dysfunction is owing to a spiritual cause that has a purely spiritual solution.

There are physical damages that happen in life or that a person is born with that alter the brain’s functionality.  Just like taking an aspirin to get through a very serious back-ache, taking some kind of medicine could enable me to get better mental bearings.

I believe that You, God want me to be joyful and that if medicine can help me I have to believe You approve.  I know for sure You encourage right dependence on You and, I believe, a right dependence on certain people, places and things.

I like this online excerpt by Gordon Marino:

“In The Biblical story, God tests his faithful servant Job to see whether Job will stay devoted to God even if God takes everything away from him. Now you don’t lose your family, health and possessions, as Job did, without falling into a terrible funk. It’s possible, then, to understand Job’s story as being about remaining true to God through a devastating depression. Suppose that Job had had a prescription for Prozac to help lessen his pain. Would it have been cheating to take a couple of tablets a day while God was tossing all manner of pestilence at him?

I suspect that if Job were around today, he would be strongly advised to get himself to a mental health clinic for a prescription. After all, the most important thing is to keep following the Lord. If depression prompts you to turn off the road, and Prozac keeps you on it, then don’t think twice — take your pill.”

Ultimately, God, I do the best I can and leave all in Your hands.  After all You are the Divine Therapist.