PrayingWithMyFingers

3-mile walk this morning.  Nap.  Breakfast.  Meditation.  Boring.

Paying bills – trying to figure out last month’s debacle with overdrafts and shortage in my accounts.  I have paid Chase account incorrectly and have a $1,000+ overage in one account and a non-payment in the other.  Yikes!  Is this because I am getting older?  I never ever used to make this kind of money mistake.  First overdraft of my entire life!

I feel like crap today.  Bad mood.  Depressed.  Can’t seem to get motivated to do anything.  House is a mess.  No energy (again).

September 23, 2009 — Wednesday

Dear God,

Sorry I haven’t written since September 1 and here we are at September 23!  But that doesn’t mean You haven’t been in my thoughts – as You well know.  I stopped writing because suddenly it felt like I was “reporting” activities instead of sharing my thoughts and feelings.  Perhaps because I went on vacation from my thoughts and feelings for a while?  Thoughts and feelings CAN be overwhelming at times.  I used to escape with alcohol but now, sometimes, I just “take a break.”

And, the break has afforded me more JOY.  I wake in the morning lately with a smile and “thank You” in my mind and heart.  I am so grateful for the simple things in life……..a cozy home, a wonderful bed where I actually sleep, good food, an income that provides for all of my needs and some of my wants, caring friends (even if I don’t see them often enough!), excellent health, my beautiful daughter and her happy life, my wonderful brother, and the Shih Tzu dog adoption that I believe will happen one day soon!  (can You move that along please?)  These and so much more, there is always more for which to be grateful!

Wow, there is a big difference in my attitude between September 1 and now – proof positive that I need to relax more and stop pushing myself so hard all the time……..not that I have stopped the pushing – after all, I have started training to run.  A very slow process.  But the difference is in my acceptance of being ok with where I am and being willing to allow slow changes to happen instead of demanding that the magic wand be waved and all is instant perfection.  Mentally, I have said yes to making my best daily effort and being ok with whatever that turns out to be.  When April was a child and experienced a difficult or frustrating day, I used to ask her, “Did you do your very best?”  And it never matter whether she did well or did poorly, if she did her very best I always reminded her that that was “good enough” and all that was necessary.  Her only job was to do her very best….and trust You.  We always talked a lot about trusting God — easier said than done when I (we) are used to running our own show!  Trusting You seems to require less pushing and more relaxing.  I seem to be applying that principle to my own life – at least for now.  Circumstances are always subject to change…..but I’ll keep listening to You and listening to me to discover and become the very best me that I can be.

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr. Seuss