PrayingWithMyFingers

Dear God,

It’s a rainy Saturday morning and, I finally have a few minutes to spare.  Please forgive my neglect.  As You know, I haven’t written since Monday but nonetheless, You are always in my mind.  I know You want me to keep You in the front of my mind, and I do try but…….imperfect human being that I am means things don’t always go according to plan.  And, I do trust that You will work it all out in Your mysterious way.

Besides the usual busyness of work, puppy Chanel fell off the bed on Tuesday and broke a nail in her paw back to the quick.  Ouch!!!  Kari was kind enough to get her to the Vet where she received pain meds and antibodies and I received a bill for $100+.  Ouch!!!  I spent the rest of the week trying to stay warm and juggle the usual hectic schedule of committee week.

The Haiti earthquake has been in the news and, I, like perhaps many people, feel helpless in the face of the magnitude of such a disaster to help.  Sending money into an unknown void doesn’t feel like real help or caring, especially since I have been to Haiti and know that even before the earthquake, they didn’t have food, clothes or shelter.  Haiti is a wound in the Heart of You, God.  I am certain similar poverty and need exists other places in the world but, I have seen Haiti’s need and it is a shock to the human soul.  I have made the decision to only give money through my church because I trust the church to use the money in a hands’ on way to make a difference.

Ironically, Haiti in the news has awakened some very sad, personal memories.  It was the year I went to Haiti, 2001, that Ed – the man in my life at the time — was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.  He picked me up at the airport returning from Haiti and within a very short time, informed me of the news.  That was July 2001 and he was dead October 2001.  There was no time to process all I had seen in Haiti.  My personal life was consumed from that point with my relationship with Ed and his condition.  I remember September 11 that year having just come from a Hospice group when I heard the news of 911 on the radio.

Looking back, I see 2001 as a huge turning point in my relationship with You, God.  The world wasn’t a happy place that year and after 911, I felt like I could no longer pray.  If felt like my prayer could not possible matter in the face of such catastrophe.  I also wondered why should I pray and expect my prayers to be answered.  What about all the other people who prayed to You and met with disaster anyway.  Where were You????  What were You thinking while 911 was happening and Ed was dying with lung cancer????  So, I fell silent.  I simply felt like I could no longer pray……that there were no words that could tell You how empty, lonely and sad I felt.  And, somehow, in that silence I began to sense Your presence and comfort.  It was at this time that a friend suggested I come to her church and hear their scheduled speaker, Fr. Thomas Keating.  The friend, her words and Fr. Keating were all Your gift to me.  It was the beginning of my life of Centering Prayer with You and that has made all the difference.

It was in my silence that I had actually begun to pray rightly to You.  It was the words of Fr. Keating that helped me to realize that words are not necessary and, in fact, the truest prayer is when we pray in silence and simply sit with You……..that You heal us and build our souls as we sit in Your Presence.  There is nothing we need do but surrender to the power of Your Love, and allow the false self to be replaced by the True Self.  According to Fr. Thomas Merton, “The false self exists only in my own egocentric desires and is the fundamental reality of life to which everything else in the universe is ordered.  Thus I use up my life in the desire for pleasures and the thirst for experiences, for power, honor, knowledge, and love to clothe this false self and construct its nothingness into something objectively real.”

Reducing and eliminating the false self in favor of You, God, is a lifetime journey and, it is my prayer to be willing to allow You to accomplish this in me.  Amen