reflectionJanuary 17 – January 25, 2010

Dear God,

It seems as if recent events are converging to force me to deal with issues that I thought were dead and buried.  The Haiti earthquake has reminded me that I never processed my trip to Haiti in 2001.  Ed’s diagnosis of lung cancer put that on the back burner where it has not resurfaced until now.  Ed’s death was the next big event which needed processing but, I put that on the back burner by dabbling with a very bad relationship (less than six months after Ed died), and then running for elected office in 2002.  Nothing like politics to remove one from the realities of life!  After losing the election, I ran away to stay with a friend for several months.  I was totally shut down and detached from all emotion.

My return to the “real” world found me taking a new job and beginning work on my Masters in political science.  And, as if that wasn’t enough to keep me from dealing with Ed’s death, I received news that my mother was very ill.  I did not anticipate that a trip home to see her would be the last visit and, that she would die while I was there or that a hurricane would hit in Florida while I was away.  I remember the hurricane so well because my daughter was unable to fly out of Florida for my mother’s funeral.

Then came menopause.  And weight gain.  And hot flashes.  And night sweats.  And exhaustion.  And fatigue.  And moods – mostly bad.  And naps.  And no energy whatsoever.  And “I don’t give a crap,” attitude.  So now for five, almost six years, I have blamed my weight and lack of motivation on menopause.  I see now that menopause is only a contributing factor.

The real reason for my unhealthy physical and mental condition is my denial, my refusal, to deal with life events that brought pain.  The desire to avoid pain is what led to my excessive drinking beginning at the age of 18.  Twenty years of sobriety have not removed my desire to avoid pain and I see now (in fact, have known all alone) that the weight gain is a result of avoidance of pain.  Food has become my drug of choice.

There!  I’ve said it!  I admit it!  And I hate it!!!  Acknowledgement of the problem is the beginning but, action is required.  I have to be willing to go into pain in order to get out of pain.  Yuck!  And, by avoiding pain, I have created a bigger problem and more pain than I would have had if I had dealt with the original pain at the time it occurred.

I know the recovery process step by baby step.  All twelve of them and, they do work.  I only have to be willing to admit I have a problem, believe in You, God, and surrender my will and my life to You.  Again.  Yet again.  Wouldn’t you think that if someone kept trying to pilot a plane and kept crashing it that they would just stop being the pilot and trust the flying to a real Pilot?  Yes, you would think so.  The fact that I keep trying to pilot myself proves that I am insane since insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

So:  Step 1 – Admit I am powerless and I cannot manage the problem.

Step 2 - Believe that You, God can restore me to sanity

Step 3 – Decide to turn my will and my life over to You, God.

Step 4 is a moral inventory of me.  I guess that’s where I am now in relation to my current behaviors and failures.  Lent is almost here so this is a good time for me to take stock of myself and change the direction I am going.  In other words, repent.

“I know that there is a Power greater than I am.  I know that there is a Love that casts out all fear.  I know that there is a faith that overcomes all obstructions.  I now enter into this Love.  I put my whole trust in God.  I know that the Spirit gently leads me, wisely counsels me.”  Ernest Holmes